Judge rules: Cyclist not guilty, Cabbie not credible (beads not acceptable)

Many’s the time I’ve considered reporting a taxi driver for attempted murder during my commute, so I can’t imagine this story from yesterday’s Evening Standard will surprise many London cyclists. Cut up by a taxi in Oxford Street, 39-year-old Jared Kelly crashed his bike into the back of the vehicle. The furious cabbie leapt out, approached Kelly where he’d fallen and proceeded to throttle him unconscious with his own scarf**. Yet it’s Kelly who was led away in handcuffs (while being given first aid) and charged with assault. His sandals may be criminal*, but Kelly plainly was not. Thanks to a campaign by the London Cyclist blog and the Standard, witnesses were found and the case thrown out of court. No word, however, on whether the cabbie will now be prosecuted.

*Nobody should dress like this while commuting to work, by bike, in London. The sandals, the flappy trouser-bottoms, the helmet-less head. And the beads: no self-respecting 39-year-old man should still be wearing beads unless they have a rock-solid backstory about a Gap Year trip to the bead-stringing tribes of the Amazon, or a deceased grandparent who bequeathed said beads as a family heirloom.

**UPDATE: Also, don’t wear a scarf. It just gives angry cabbies something to strangle you with.

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