The Football and Timmy Servant

For the past four years I have been conversing with Internet spammers through my Bob Servant alter-ego. Bob is a  62-year-old man from Broughty Ferry, Dundee with plenty to say for himself and a keen eye for opportunity.

We all have our hobbies.

For my new Bob Servant book I was keen to find spammers that offered more than a royal Nigerian fortune or a lovestruck Russian ‘bride’. So, when I received an unsolicited email offering me a football from the 2010 World Cup, I was understandably delighted.

Over the following two weeks, Bob Servant and his brave young son Timmy entered a world where little was what it seemed…*

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: If You Are Interested

Dominic Jones is my name. I was an official in the last FIFA World Cup 2010 and was one of the people that in charge of the dressing room. I therefore have the opportunity to meet some of the world best players and now have 1 football and 1 Jersey with signatures of some of the best players that i met. Players like Cristiano Ronaldo, Messi, Wayne Rooney, Torres, Kaka, Didier Drogba, Paul Scholes and Carlos Tévez.

I am keeping the jersey for my son (Jerry) but am giving out the ball in the photos as a Christmas gift. I am not collecting money for the signatures cause I got it free of charge from them, only the ball money and delivery charges which is £187.746 GBP. Send me your Name and Address, if you are interested.

Mr Dominic Jones

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From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: Postage

Dominic,

Thanks for getting in touch. Let’s round that up to £188 shall we? Easier on the eye. I have to say Dominic that, while I wouldn’t want to question your maths, that seems a pretty penny just for postage. Where do you live, the Milky Way?

I have to say I’m interested. I’m a football man and Dundee United is my poison.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

PS Thanks for letting me see the ball from a couple of angles.

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Postage

I live here in Hong Kong so this is a fair price. This is good you are a football man.

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: Fair enough

Dominic,

OK that makes sense and it’s wonderful to hear from someone in Hong Kong. I only have a basic Internet package and didn’t know I was allowed to get emails from that far away.

My God, what a time you must have had at the World Cup. Can you give me any good ‘tales from the boot room’? Also please say hello to you son Jerry. I think I bumped into him the other day on Broughty Ferry beach here in Dundee. He was wearing women’s clothing and was extremely drunk. He said something about Italy? How he wanted to go to Italy to ‘see all the men in their nice shoes’?

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not The Right Jerry

Dear Bob,

First that would not be my son as he is only six years old now and lives here with me in Hong Kong. So that will be a different Jerry I am sorry. Yes I have many stories from my time at the World Cup but you must respect that this was my job and I cannot tell them to the public. Now Bob do you want the ball?

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: Omerta

Dominic,

I can appreciate that there’s probably a bit of an Omerta situation and a ‘what happens in the dressing room, etc’ mentality but if you could just give me a snippet that would help convince me this was all by the book? I hate to doubt you but I read a wee thing in the Dundee Courier the other day about how the Internet’s full of cowboys. I’m always having wee chats on the Internet with people I don’t really know so, as you can imagine, reading that article made me feel like Pat Butcher was using my heart as a xylophone.

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK I can tell you this

Well let me just say that the top players are very serious in the changing room Bob. They do not spend that period having a wild time or being involved with jokes because why would they? This is the most important time they have Bob. I will tell you that many of them pray both to God and their own family and have a massage. There now I think that shows you who I am.

I have a lot of interest Bob in this ball and my other merchandise so you must be quick.

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: We’re ‘Leg Men’ Round This House

Dominic,

You’re right, I shouldn’t have pushed you. You’re one of the most respected World Cup Dressing Room Supervisors on the circuit and I apologise for suggesting you risk your job by giving me mindless gossip to impress the boo boys in the pubs of Broughty Ferry.

I would absolutely love to buy this ball for my own son (Timmy). He has been getting into a lot of trouble at school which is causing considerable problems between me and my wife. I say that Timmy’s problems at school are because of the pressure she puts on him but she says it’s because I encourage him to stay up all night with me watching American sports on Channel 5 and talking about skirt.

That’s insane because for a start he doesn’t need any encouragement. We both love baseball and, when it comes to the skirt, we’re both leg men so the conversation takes care of itself. Anyway, your football could be the treat Timmy needs to buck up his ideas. Stick me down for it please.

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Payment Details

Dear Bob,

Thanks for getting back to me and please promise me you will treasure the ball. It means a lot to me. I want you to go to any Western Union money transfer or money gram outlet close to you and make the payment of £188 as agreed. I promise, as soon as the payment is confirmed, the ball will be delivered to you in the next two days. Here is the information to use

Receivers Name: Mr Dominic Jones

Address: Hong Kong

Text Question: Who do you love most?

Text Answer: Jesus

Amount Paid: £188 GBP

Thanks

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: My Pal The Ref

Dominic,

Thanks for turning down all the other people to reserve me the football. Timmy will be so happy. I can only imagine his little face when I surprise him at the breakfast table by whipping a signed football out from within the folds of my dressing gown.

I must admit that I let slip down at the boozer that I am now pals with one of the world’s most successful referees. My pal Frank had a question for you, Dominic. If someone took a shot at goal, and it was going in, and then Mussolini wasn’t dead and he ran out the crowd and headed it clear, what’s the situation? By the book the goal presumably shouldn’t stand, but when it’s Mussolini clearing it off the line then it would surely be very, very hard to justify chalking it off. Thoughts?

I have all the respect in the world for you, Dominic. And for Jerry, who is one of the bravest little boys going. I know he is sick but he is a fighter and that gives him an outside chance of making it.

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My answer to this

Hello Bob

My son Jerry is not sick who told you that? Yes the ball will be a perfect present for your son Timmy. I want someone who will value this ball and I now trust that this is your son Timmy. Please Bob, I was not a referee so it is not possible for me to deal with this Mussolini situation. My own feeling would be that it would be a goal still but that is only my feeling.

Remember I was not a referee I was appointed to work with them and to look after the dressing room and keep everything safe OK?

Thanks

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: Quick Work

Dominic,

Well you didn’t keep things that safe if you nicked a ball and a jersey did you?! Don’t worry, I’m just jerking your chain, I can’t blame you for grabbing some freebies. I agree with your reading of the Mussolini situation and with regards the ball both Timmy and I will value it very highly.

I’m close to paying for it but I do have a slight issue. Surprise, surprise, my wife’s being an almighty pain. She’s bleating that footballers are a bad influence on Timmy because they are always spitting and talking about themselves in the ‘third person’ and she would rather that we buy him a football signed by doctors and lawyers. Dominic, you actually met these guys ‘mano-oh-oh-mano’. What were they like? A decent mob?

PS Sorry about any misunderstanding over Jerry’s health. My neighbour Frank thought he saw him on Casualty.

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: They were all OK

Dear Bob

I hear all you say and am sorry for what you are passing through. Women are always the same everywhere, the only thing in life is endurance. Football players are like us they are human with body and flesh the only thing different is they are celebrities through profession. In every occupation you have good and bad people so I took my time to select the ones I met. I interacted with every single one and they are all good and friendly people.

I understand what your wife says but please tell her they have good conscience and attitude. Please advice today if you can pay for the ball as I am shortly travelling to Canada on business issue to sell my merchandise.

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: That Should Shut Her Up

Dominic,

Thanks so much. I have passed all this onto my wife and even she had to stop her whining and admit that the players sound like not bad lads. I did have one more question on that front, Dominic, I noticed that Paul Scholes was in the dressing room and signed the ball and jersey. It’s just that he chucked playing for England a few years back so I was just wondering what he was doing there? Had he lost his dog?

Yours,

Bob

PS The Canada thing was a bit of a ‘namedrop’ was it not? Me and Frank are thinking of heading to Perth at the weekend to look for skirt but you won’t hear us banging on about it!

PPS Please don’t tell my wife that me and Frank are thinking of heading to Perth at the weekend to look for skirt.

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Back From Canada

Dear Bob

Thank you I am now back from Canada and I am pleased to say that I did many business while there and there was a lot of interest in my merchandise. The people there wanted this ball but I said of course that it was for you only. So Bob it is fair that you should pay for it now. Paul Scholes was in the FIFA dressing room because he is friends with these players so of course he is allowed to visit them.

Dominic Jones

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: I’m interested

Dominic,

I’m glad to hear that your one day trip from Hong Kong to Canada went well. By my sums you must have been there for a little under an hour and I think it’s very much a ‘well done’ to you that you managed to do so much business in that time. Paul Scholes is a player who achieved everything he set out to do in his career. If he should choose to spend his summer holidays hanging around dressing rooms then that’s fine by me. I have parents’ evening tonight at Timmy’s school and will arrange payment for the ball tomorrow.

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This Is Your Ball Remember

OK Bob, here again is the ball and it is ready for you now. Please let me know right away when you send the money. Sometimes I wonder from what I am seeing if it is true you want the ball.

Dominic

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: Penpal

Dominic,

Right, the goalposts have shifted a little here, if you’ll pardon the pun. I’m just back from parents’ evening and that little horror Timmy has fallen seriously behind with his homework and his mum is giving me absolute dog’s abuse, if you’ll pardon the pun. Sometimes when she’s shouting at me, Dominic, I find myself wanting to push her out a window, and that’s not a pun in any way.

Anyway, one of the things Timmy’s not done is a project where he was supposed to find a penpal. I was hoping you could help me out of this pickle and pony up Jerry for the job? They could have a wee chat and that would be enough and then Timmy could print off the emails and hand them in as his project. I’ve promised Timmy that I’ll buy him the ball as a treat as soon as he gets this done, Dominic, so let me know ASAP for all our sakes.

Yours in hope,

Bob

PS I attach a photo of the specific window that I would sometimes like to push Timmy’s mum out of.

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant, Jerry Jones

Subject: Jerry’s Email

OK, this is not usual but if it is needed then my son’s Jerry email is attached.

Let us get this done now please. Do not worry I understand these problem with women we have them in our country also.

Dominic Jones.

—————————-

From: Timmy Servant

To: Jerry Jones

Subject: ARE YOU MY FRIEND?

Hello Jerry!

My name is Timmy and you are my new friend.  Can you tell me about yourself?  I am nine years old and I like playing football and climbing trees. I have yellow hair and blue eyes and I live in a house with my Mum and Dad and sometimes they shout at each other and my Dad has big muscles like a horse.

What do you look like and what do you do? Write back!

Timmy

—————————-

From: Jerry Jones

To: Timmy Servant

Subject: Yes I am Your Friend

hi,

Am Jerry Jones and am 10 years old i have black hair, blue eyes and am living in Hong Kong with my mum and dad.  i love football, basketball, people says that i looks exactly like my dad cos he always there for me, when i need him.

jerry.

—————————-

From: Timmy Servant

To: Jerry Jones

Subject: You Are My Friend Forever

Hello Jerry!

Thank you for writing back.  I love football as well I hope I will play today after school. I wish I had black hair like the other boys.  I have yellow hair but I think it is stupid. Do you like Yellow Hair? What are you doing today and what is your school uniform? Would you like to see my uniform?

Your Dad sounds like a bellend.

Timmy

—————————-

From: Jerry Jones

To: Timmy Servant

Subject: Yes friends forever now

hi,

I do not know what you mean but my Dad is a good man who looks after his family in every way. Do not worry about your hair you have nice hair. My uniform is jeans and a shirt yes I would like to see your uniform. OK you can give this to your school now. Tell your dad he must buy your football now.

jerry

—————————-

From: Bob Servant

To: Dominic Jones

Subject: A bit of an awkward one

Dominic,

Timmy went out with his mother earlier and I had the opportunity to check his email account. I’m afraid I have some rather awkward news. Timmy and Jerry’s relationship seems to have moved very quickly from two kids messing about to something very different. I am sorry to say that they seem to have both been overtaken by that old pal of ours – lust. Jerry seems to be obsessed by Timmy’s hair which he goes on and on about like you wouldn’t believe. He also has a ‘thing’ for Timmy’s uniform.

Now, Dominic, I’m not against men who decide that the skirt are just not worth the hassle. I have seven Elton John records and once bought a full price ticket to see Ian McKellen star in a pantomime at the Dundee Rep Theatre. (To be fair I didn’t end up going because my dishwasher short- circuited and flooded my kitchen but to blame my dishwasher problems on McKellen’s sexual preferences would be unfair to both McKellen and the dishwasher so let’s not go down that road.)

My point, Dominic, is this. If, when Jerry and Timmy are a little older, they still feel the same way about each other then I think we as parents should get together, have a wee drink and work out some rules. Whether or not they can have ‘sleepovers’ and so on. Right now they should barely be at the holding hands stage, as I’m sure you’ll agree?

Bob

—————————-

From: Dominic Jones

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Forget it already

This is just mad you are not real.

*

This is an edited extract extract from Why Me? – The Very Important Emails of Bob Servant. Out now priced £6.99. More information www.bobservant.com

Tagged in: bob servant, football

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