White women in forced marriage triangle

The number of long-term relationships between Asian men and white women are increasing year on year. Hooking up with an exotic man is a novelty for many women and in some cases a passionate encounter can turn into sensual love.

But unlike Western society where falling in love is an expression of personal choice, love is deemed as a threat to social networks in Asian society. Even Bollywood films have their heart-rending tales of unrequited love. Love is seen as an unruly force that threatens the arranged marriage system which seeks to reinforce kinship networks, family honour and gender roles. That is why forced marriage is becoming all too prevalent. And the numbers keep rising – in 2010 the Government’s Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) received 1735 forced marriage reports. The majority involved families of Pakistani, Indian and Bengali origin.

Some Asian parents believe forced marriage is the only way to affirm group boundaries, whilst ensuring the young will never turn their back on the oppressive marriage system and make an independent decision to marry for love. So they force their son’s into marriage with culturally bound women. Understandably men rarely resist the grave pressure put on them to marry. Once trapped in a heart-rending marriage many go on to have children and extend their family.

But what are the consequences of forced marriages for the white women outside the Asian social network? Many continue their love affairs. During the course of my forced marriage research I spoke with a number of white women who had become embroiled in a ‘forced marriage triangle’ involving the men, their wives and the white women. You might say what they do is deplorable – having an affair with a married man. But little is known about the lives of the women.

Tragically white women are tainted by a morally corrupt and shameful discourse spread by all too many Asian families. Scorned and outcast, they are left with little choice but to carry on in secret. Living in effect a bigamous life many women are left feeling guilty and tormented. They live their lives knowing that their forbidden lovers have a duty to maintain a dead marriage to their forced wives. But these women always knew that their lovers would never be able to make honest women out of them. And they love them too much to break up their lover’s marriage. To console themselves they view their loving relationship as “the real thing” whilst they perceive their lover’s forced marriage as burdensome and loveless. So love conquers all and they remain together in a clandestine relationship. But while most mistresses understand and put up with their husbands bigamous lifestyle, their children have little choice but to live constrained and dysfunctional lives. Like their contemptible mothers these illegitimate children are shunned by the Asian community.

It’s clear that the victims of forced marriage are not just the coerced spouse(s). In fact forced marriage has a ripple effect cursing all those involved including the spouses, the mistress and the next generation of both legitimate and illegitimate children. Recognising the harm and suffering caused by forced marriage, the Government finally announced plans to criminalise forced marriage in December of last year. It’s hoped that criminalisation will send out a public message that forced marriage is wrong which will in turn put an end to this appalling practice. Criminalisation may also, inadvertently lead to an increase in mixed marriages where couples no longer marry by force but marry for love.

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• pithygirl

  So, there’s a racist comment if ever I heard one. Jeff Siddiqui thinks white women are loose! What an ignorant, primitive, sexist, racist thing to think and say! So Jeff, was the Asian guy ‘loose’ to fall in love with the ‘loose’ white woman shocking.

• pithygirl

  Pressured = Forced. In that the families cut them off if they follow their hearts and live an honest life. I have had three Asian friends who have been in this position.  It is a shocking horrible thing to have to live in fear of your family – and so have to hide at worse, or, when actual physical violence is not threatened in one case, she was simply cut off. What kind of human behaviour is this then?  Who is recommending it as an ideal way of life here? 

• JeffSiddiqui

  Hey Pithygirl!
  Maybe you should consider a pause before you let loose (Oops! there’s the term again!) with both barrels. Re-read my comments, you will notice the quotation marks (two dots before and after) around the word “Loose”. Usually that suggests I am not a subscriber to the sentiments but am using it as a sort-of quote…i.e., how the people under discussion might be thinking.

  I suppose you could say “Pressured = Forced”, but “forced” falls within a broad spectrum of possibilities.
  At one end, let us suppose you are a coffee drinker, you are visiting someone on a special occassion and you are presented with a cup of tea. You don’t really want the tea, but you drink it anyway, to preseve good will. That person them cracks a joke that you don’t find amusing at all, but because s-he is laughing, you smile or laugh as well.
  In the middle, it is your mother’s birthday and you don’t want to go because you don’t like her new husband and you don’t get along with your sister-in-law. But you go anyway.
  At the other end, you just took some money out of an ATM and someone points a gun at your head and you give him the money.

  In all cases, you are forced, but I would interpret the first three examples as pressure, while the last would be forced.

  But what do I know about English? I am just “ignorant, primitive, sexist, racist” and a foreigner to boot!

• pithygirl

  Well, it would be better if you were clear with your opinion. Your analogy is confusing too. Forced? pressured? The result is the same if the man or woman does not go along with the family wishes.  This way of carrying on  IS primitive. It is also racist (in that marrying a person from another culture is not allowed) and sexist as the Men I know from these pressured marriages do ok out of the deal as they find it easier than the pressured wife to get away with having lovers on the side (so, hypocritical too).  I can not tell what you really think about the subject. Just say it without using complicated analogies. ps Most of my friends (and my husband) are ‘foreigners’ .

• pearson

  I am being sarcastic, cynical, spiteful and/or stupid. But the article deserves stupidity. “the shame of ‘white’ women having an affair with a married ‘cullud’”….WTF?!! Poor white wimmen! What about the ‘non’ white women who are in “arranged” marriages? Nothing?
  The last time I got married it was a contract! An Agreement, a business deal, notarised by the court. A government cannot criminalise an act of court.

  Criminal charges? Prosecution? Really? Who? How? Comedy hour anyone? 

  Another point; everybody has been conditioned to believe that marriage is about women. I believe that children come first, second and third. I would assume that the children from such a marriage would legally be bastards (to use a term for a child with diminished legal rights).
  This isn’t news or useful information. It’s coffee shop gossip.

• pearson

  And they write nonsense like this article

• pearson

  The Bimbo who “wrote” this rubbish is white, that’s why. Her narrow lipstick, nail polish reality. 
  It’s not only racist (and sexist), it’s puffed out gossip, so don’t take offence.

• marie helene medeiros

  The name calling and put downs of some of the men replying here are really pathetic, uneducated, and ignorant of many of these issues. I’ve seen this from men on many sites. There is something deeply wrong with the way men internationally think of and treat women, and uphold primitive and harmful social customs.

  Men, in general have more outlets (as the article states) to live as they want and often they do this in ways that harms women (of any race) and the resultant children. I admire the men who have the bollocks to be decent guys, act and talk respectfully, and stand up to stupidities of racism and segregation for the women they care about instead of the usual hypocritical use and abuse of women from different cultures, or (usually younger) women of their own culture.

  Now, some men reading my comments (in accordance with what I already wrote) will start jumping up and down screaming that I am feminist, hate men, am idiot, etc. and they don’t know me at all. They don’t know I like and admire men in general and that I also respect all religions and recently attended an Islamic conference.

  I am an international person and educate myself (humbly) as much as I can about issues. So I can say that the emotional and immature comments by a couple of male respondents here make no sense as everything in this article is actually true and not distorted. I could tell that the author knew what she (or he, if had been a man) knew their topic well so I was not surprised to read she had “foreigners” in her life and family.

  We need more intelligent and respectful and self-educating (not just educated but wanting to learn and contribute) people to come and post conversations on these sites – not a few loudmouth persons just putting down women and calling women authors “bimbos” and “idiots”. This pathetic behaviour is against all the good principles of any religion and against humanitarian discussions and efforts to help people.

• pearson

  This article was idiotic. It portrayed “white” women as weak, stupid, pathetic and amoral. Hence the insulting comments it deserved. Period.
  Don’t insult the males, insult the idiot bimbo who wrote this abysmal junk and the so called victims, (the “white” women who sleep with married “non white” men).
  You may be (humbly)???? educated, but you missed the point.

• Guest

  This article was idiotic. It portrayed “white” women as weak, stupid, pathetic and amoral. Hence the insulting comments it deserved. Period.
  Don’t insult the males, insult the idiot bimbo who wrote this abysmal junk and the so called victims, (the “white” women who sleep with married “non white” men).
  You may be (humbly)???? educated, but you missed the point.