Why would anyone want to wear a Queen mask?

I really thought I could handle this. I thought I’d be able to do a barbecue on the Saturday followed by a street party on the Monday. As I write this, it’s Sunday and I’ve had enough.

What was billed as a friends and family do with some sausages and lager, swiftly turned into a pro-monarchy, nationalist rally… a bit strong perhaps, but I was forced to wear a mask with the Queen’s face on.

Why would anyone want to wear the Queen’s face? She’s not known for her looks. If we do insist on wearing masks at any time, let’s have photos of Cheryl Cole with bits of elastic sticky-taped to the back, please.

The Queen appearing on a face mask is like having Andy Murray’s name on the back of a football shirt. Completely pointless and considerably moronic. Then again, what memorabilia would be fit to be ‘sponsored’ by a monarch? Perhaps miniature Tower of London’s to keep our jewellery in, or a pair of ‘official Queen’s gloves’ designed for proper waving. Hmm.

Called a miserable git at least 32 times, I put my brave face on for the over-zealous Queenies and took [more than] one for the team.

And then it happened. A four-disk album of some of the most patriotic songs the British Isles has ever heard. Who knows all the words to Land of Hope and Glory? Me. Because they played it three times on repeat.

Yes, I am the only person in my family who really couldn’t give a toss if the Queen stayed at home alone on the day of her jubilee, like a 50-something-year-old man on Christmas Day, who calls his 15 cats his babies and has never experienced the loving embrace of a partner.

And yes, I am the only person that didn’t particularly care for the – almost draconian – tactics which somehow forced me into wearing a paper crown.

And have you seen BBC News’s blanket coverage of the Queen on a boat on the Thames, in absolute hope that no other news comes along? Let’s pray she doesn’t fancy a cruise in the near-future, eh?

But wait, the Queen brings in more money than she costs, they tell me. The monarchy work for us now, they say. We only pay 70-odd pence a year and occasionally we get days off of work, they add.

Let’s just forget the money required to keep ‘The Family’ safe, their complete ignorance to democracy and their archaic values which only pay tribute to the barbaric history most of us would rather forget.

Lots of people clearly agree with me. David Randall wrote in the Independent on Sunday that the contrast between this weekend’s celebrations and last summer was very strange.

“One summer, there are riots in the streets and talk of “Broken Britain”; 10 months later, there’s bunting everywhere and almost everyone’s declaring how marvellous the Queen is,” he wrote “and, by extension, that we’re pretty good, too. Small wonder no one since the Normans has been able to get to grips with us.”

Supporters of the anti-monarchy group Republic held a peaceful protest alongside the Thames as Queen and co waved their way down the river.

The placard wielding bunch reportedly had some trouble reaching the protest point after officers feared for the safety of the 1000 boats following the HMS Belfast.

They tweeted: “Literally hundreds being prevented from joining main #jubileeprotest. We’re working with police + security to resolve this.”

Graham Smith, the chief executive of Republic, who want an elected head of state to replace the current monarchy, said: “the royals spend most of their lives shielded from criticism – this protest will give them a rare glimpse of the strength of republican sentiment in Britain today.

“The hereditary system is offensive to all the democratic values this country has fought for in the past. The jubilee represents a celebration of everything we, as republicans, oppose – it is our right and duty to challenge it and promote the alternative.

“The heightened Palace PR campaign of the last 18 months has already backfired.

He added: “People are sick and tired of being told they must celebrate 60 years of one very privileged, very remote and very uninspiring head of state. The idea that the monarchy’s future is any safer as a result of the jubilee is completely laughable.”

Yes, you’re right. It is exceptionally cliché to write a rant about the Queen and her extended family on the day she floats down the Thames on an eye-sore. But tough. There it is.

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• danemodsandy

  Oh, puh-leeze.  You anti-monarchists have the rest of forever to yammer on about how wonderful Britain will be once we put all the royals into council flats and turn the nation’s fate over to the likes of Cameron and the EU.  You couldn’t even shut up for four days and let the rest of the country enjoy the last real Jubilee it’s going to see for quite a while, possibly ever.  Whatever one thinks of the Monarchy, it must be admitted that Her Majesty has never let down the side, unlike Charles, who may very conceivably have what it takes to bring down the Crown much faster than you lot ever dreamed possible.  Apres Liz, le deluge….

• Kugelschreiber

  Great, slightly whimsical article.

  Every time I have to endure all this inane Jubilee nonsense, my mind keeps drifting to all the nice, worthy, big-hearted , helpful  working class people I have known………….

  ………and I imagine one of THEM, or even SEVERAL of them  being put on a boat & sailed down the Thames, with lots of people cheering.

  Now THAT I WOULD like!  They really deserve a little praise & recognition.

  Not that silly, pampered old woman who does nothing but wave & make small talk

• helen liu

  Independent blog

• http://profile.yahoo.com/ZXO4JRIZMKTO36HLDVN5F3N4NI Chris

  Have to say i agree on the post part with this blog post, the sense that you had to embrace the spirit to be intilted to those days off… and the street parties and constant excuse to bring the “community” together…

  However, this did impress me, but maybe thats just because i am some what of a plane nerd –

  http://www.homini.me/7iz5yg