Attachment parenting: The new fad

Trends in parenting come and go as quickly as the latest fashion trends on the catwalk. One consistency with each new trend is the burden of guilt it places with the mother. Am I doing this right, should I do it this way, do I control crying, do I feed on demand, do I go to work or stay at home? The list is endless, and no wonder we are left with a feeling of self doubt and questioning our abilities as parents.

The latest craze sailing its way across the Atlantic is Attachment Parenting or AP as I shall refer to it. The basic principles would surely rile Ms Gina Ford and those that sit in her camp on no nonsense parenting, sending them into utter fits and possibly breaking out into hives.

At its very simplest, Attachment Parenting is based on several principles; breastfeeding a child until the age of three or beyond, having your baby sleep in your room, if possible in your bed and ‘baby wearing’ where you carry your baby with you at all times.

In an ideal world it sounds fantastic, but in modern society, just how practical is AP?

Let’s break it down and see. Firstly, keeping your baby with you at all time, I can’t help but think of a kangaroo carrying it’s baby around in its pouch and hopping around. AP suggests that carrying a baby in a sling at all times, promotes attachment, frequent touch, and parental sensitivity to an infants needs. But what if, like so many parents, you have to go to work? Realistically, and despite of the latest documentary on taking your baby to the office, it just isn’t practical.

Women have the constant battle of deciding whether they should stay at home after maternity leave and be a full time parent or go back to the rat race. Normally, this decision will be based on financial motives and they often have no choice but to return to work in order to make ends meet.

I fall into a separate camp as I am lucky enough to work from home. However, I can safely say, breastfeeding a baby and typing an email with one finger is a true challenge.

Mum to two boys, Danielle Grant from Southampton told me: “I think it has a place in some degree, but think it could be problematic logistically and socially for the infant and mummy. I think Mummy would suffer from never having a break. We all know we parent better when we are calm and collected and I don’t think it is possible to maintain that level headedness if you have had no time away to reflect, rest, recuperate and re-address important issues.”

What’s more, does this style of parenting restrict our children by not allowing them time and freedom to gain their own independence and self identity?

Hannah Llewellyn, mum of two thinks: “You are responsible for teaching your child to be independent and ready for whatever life throws at them. I believe attachment parenting is quite cruel as for the first three years you are teaching them that the only safe place to be is with you. Then they are off to nursery and what are they then suppose to think?”

However Cath Jevon believes AP is all about: “creating a safe, secure base for them to move from and come back to when they are ready. If you want a loving and kind world, with a loving and kind next generation then that’s how you treat them.”

Secondly, breastfeeding to the age of three and beyond. The recent cover of Time magazine which depicted such an image sparked controversy and many an adverse reaction. The theory behind this with AP, is that breastfeeding is the ideal way to create attachment, a fair point. However it states that it also teaches infants that parents will listen to their cues and fulfil their needs. Surely a cup or beaker past a certain age would do the same thing?

Again, and besides the social stigma attached to extended feeding, comes the practicality of actually breastfeeding if you go back to work. Expressing and storing milk requires a lot of organisation. I have expressed milk in the toilets of Waterloo station before a meeting and I can say it was one of the worst experiences I have had – and not one I would care to repeat. This places a lot of pressure on mothers, who have not only given up their bodies during pregnancy but now have to continue to grow a person from their body for the next three years. If everyone thought they were expected to feed for three years, how many people would just opt for the bottle at birth? Surely some breast is better than none at all.

Finally, when it comes to co-sleeping or bed sharing, AP theorists argue that it promotes attachment by being able to soothe and feed your baby during the night. But there is of course the fear that one parent could roll over and squashes the baby ending in tragedy?

One mum who follows the AP style of parenting said: “Co-sleeping has amazing benefits for your child – regulating body temperature and breathing when in close contact with mother being two. Aside from the physical benefits, it’s the most wonderful time to reconnect with your child. We bed share with two of our children and have no intention of changing our situation anytime soon. ”

In fairness to Attachment Parenting, many of its techniques have been around for years. The basis is that we listen to our children and help them form attachments to others and ourselves. The problem arises, as with any parenting method, where aspects of a techniques are taken to the extreme.

I had intended to disregard the method and its extremeness but there are some aspects of AP that don’t get mentioned and some things many people do which are part of of the AP practices.

Using my own personal example, I am still breastfeeding my eight month old, I carry him everywhere because he cries when I put him down and he occasionally sleeps with me because he won’t settle. Parenting really is a minefield and instinctively as parents we do what is right for our baby and because of that, how can we place one parenting technique above another?

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• http://twitter.com/TheKenyanBen Ben Prior

  In my opinion you have a duty as a parent to not only nurture your child but to prepare them for life. AP has some benefits to a certain degree but cocooning children may leave them unprepared for life’s challenges. Personally, AP is not for me as I want my boys to grow exponentially, rather than growing feeling that I as a parent am the only source of comfort. Life is about experiences and learning and to provide those is the best present I can give my children

• http://www.facebook.com/debbie.hughes.921 Debbie Hughes

  I agree AP is just a revap of other theories. I can’t imagine breast feeding my boys till 3 years old, that means I would be feeding a new born and a 2 year old at the same time, how would you body work that out?? I stopped feeding my 1st when he got teeth and plan the same with my 8 month old. I think AP is just going to make mum’s feel more guilty and give the child a big shock at 3. But as a parent it is important to do what works for you and ypur child and the rest of the family, as at the end of the day it all comes down to the parents!

• http://www.facebook.com/JudieWM Judie Mbogua

  “…carry your baby with you at all times” surely that can’t be good for the child? When will they learn to be independent? I think AP would harm more than help. I watched a show where the parents were practicing a form of AP … it was a mess, e.g. their 12 year old suffered from anxiety attacks at the idea of being left alone in public. It just doesn’t seem like a good idea.

• http://www.facebook.com/people/Brian-Putman/100001910178901 Brian Putman

  Adult Attachment Theory is not new. The academic John Bowlby has been writing about it since the fiftees! And what mothers feel the burden when they have procreated at will and invoiced the state via child benefits without having an income themselves? You’re damn right they should feel guilty. It is irresponsible use of their womb!

• http://www.facebook.com/tina.prior2 Tina Prior

  A child should be safe in the knowledge of its parents love and encouraged towards independence. I couldn’t breast feed my two sons and thye have grown into secure, loving and caring adults

• And789

  Ah, I know, all these virgin births!

• And789

  Balance in all things.

  Children need to be nurtured, but they also need to learn independence. parents do not live forever. Children need to grow into confident adults who can manage the world without them.

• http://twitter.com/M_Milone Micaela Milone

  As a mother of two perfectly normal boys,I think this is a load of rubbish.
  What century are these people living in?totally unpractical,and quite dangerous.this can create an unnatural attachment to just one or two people who are then in a very powerful postion.we bring up children so they can live happily and contribute to the world, not so
  they can need and worship us,how selfish.
  I have a friend who has recently had triplets.What should she do? One on her back ,one on her front, and one hanging on her leg?……

• VicTheBrit

  And where does the father fit into all this? Is he the “typicial” misogynist who believes childcare is the woman’s role or is he the sidelined father who is excluded because he sets a bad example to the children and doesn’t nurture properly?
  Many Japanese children don’t know their father much, few can say exactly what his work is. All they know is he’s never at home, being dedicated 100% to the company. Many housewives dread their spouse retiring as they will have a dead duck hanging around the house all day, crimping the wive’s social network of other housewives and their continual round of lunches, voluntary activities and sports.

• http://twitter.com/WorthingWeb Holly Billinghurst

  I wonder if the blogger is drawing from the TV shows they have watched or actually spoken to any AP mothers?

  What I did was never called AP, but we co-slept until they were ready to stay in their own room which turned out to be between 2/3, I breastfed my second until she was ready to stop, and I happened to carry them in a sling. We even shock horror used washable nappies. We did what felt right for our girls. And that is the point – its not a distinct cut off, it’s until the child has the cognitive ability to become more independent.

  Interestingly, the blogger failed to mention that WHO and the NHS advises that breast feeding to at least 24 months is beneficial to the child’s health.