Beating anorexia allowed me to exercise my way to a body I’m proud of

I was once warned that exercise would kill me. This weekend, I ran my first half marathon in 2 hours, 1 minute and 40 seconds; I’m pretty sure, now, that exercise has played a massive role in saving my life.

A few years ago, I tagged along with my boyfriend and his friends as they went for a gentle jog along the seafront in Abersytwyth, where we were students. Everything was in slow motion but they were too fast for me. I did what I always did when I felt left behind; pushed as hard as it took. I got back to my house, went upstairs and collapsed. The next day, my GP told me that my heart could give in at any moment, and if I continued to exercise, I was asking for death.

It sounds dramatic but it wasn’t enough to scare me. It never is when you’re anorexic; you’re invincible, the doctors just don’t know it.

When you’re in recovery from anorexia or bulimia, everyone is almost overly cagey about exercise. On admission, most patients are put on bed rest, meaning that for 24 hours a day, you can only move to use the toilet, and even then you are watched like a hawk in case you sneak in a star jump as you get up off the seat.  After that, you’re awarded the luxury of being wheeled around or if you’re lucky, you’re allowed to walk – within reason. Even when you’re months into treatment, complying by the rules and eating whatever increasing amounts of delicious, nutritious food they insist you need, you’re limited to two 15 -20minute walks in the hospital grounds. You’re spied on, and you will be reported if you dare to double loop.

It all seems a tad excessive, being told off for fidgeting, stopped from leg jiggling and suspected of making yourself a drink in the kitchen in the interests of burning calories walking to it rather than thirst. When just weeks ago, you were up and about, clubbing or working out better and harder than all the ‘normal’ people, you are now accountable for every single move.

What you don’t realise at the time, is that the people stopping you from doing these things, are saving you from yourself. Lines have to be drawn and in the depths of mental illness, eating disordered people will go to great lengths to cover up their attempts to burn an extra 10 calories. As ridiculous as the rules seem, there is method in the madness. Quite simply, they’re stopping us from getting anywhere closer to killing ourselves.

May 2012, I was training for the Great Manchester Run, a 10k that I’ve done almost every year since I was 16 (in sickness and in health). I was fundraising for Beat and received an email from a friend I’d met during my time in hospital. She raised concerns about me using exercise as a method of raising money for a charity supporting people for whom exercise played a huge part in their illness.

It made me question whether I was doing the right thing, was running 10k for an Eating Disorder charity tantamount to doing a sponsored fast? Suddenly, I felt like I did when I was in hospital being told off for wanting to walk at what, to me, was a normal speed (i.e. faster than your average Primark ‘shuffler’) –  that what she said was going a bit overboard. And this time, I wasn’t in hospital care, I was doing something which was helping, rather than hindering my own recovery and I wasn’t going to let anything anyone said or thought get in the way of that.

I am healthier than I have ever been, and I wouldn’t be where I am now without exercise being part of my lifestyle. Running and swimming used to be chores, endless routines where numbers ruled everything and obsession ruined any ounce of natural enjoyment. I was too tired for endorphins to have their wonderful way with me.

Now, exercise means that I can finally not only use, but admire the body that I once tortured so vigorously. A body that, when it was as thin as I could possibly get it to be, I hated anyway. A body that I thought I would never, ever accept, never mind appreciate or feel comfortable with.  I never thought I would ever be able to stand in front of a mirror and think, “Yeah, ok, I’ll take that”.

To enjoy exercise, you have to treat your body with respect; fuel it, nourish it, feel it and go with it. The exercise I do now is worlds away from what it used to be and what I’m getting back in return is a million times better and more satisfying than anything anorexia-fuelled sweat-fests ever offered. You’re supposed to feel fulfilled and proud with every pound that drops as a result of exercise but it is all empty promises – you won’t be happy until there’s another pound gone, and another, and another…

Real pride is climbing to the top of a craggy mountain without fainting over your Ryvita at the summit, it’s putting months of training in, seeing and feeling the changes as your body adapts and becomes stronger and healthier by the week, it’s being able to let go and live and eat without guilt, it’s growing boobs, it’s running in the rain and loving every drop – It’s about crossing the finish line of your first half marathon and being overwhelmed with emotion, not because of a personal best or a good time, but because you just killed those anorexic lies.

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• Jeremy Hunter

  As a man who also beat anorexia and helped a friend through hers, I understand your struggle, though not as seriously – I was never admitted into any recovery for it, it wasn’t that serious for me. It makes me happy every time I hear about someone who has fought the demon of eating disorders and won.

• http://twitter.com/sarah_robbo Sarah Louise

  Ilona, You just made me well-up and drip tears in to my lunch. As someone else who abused exercise when I was at my most ill, as someone who dragged themselves to the gym for torturous workouts, fuelled by anorexia’s taunts, not ever working hard enough or for long enough, despite passing out, on the treadmill, I can see how far you’ve come. I am proud of you and inspired too. It gives me hope that I will be able to re-build exercise back in to my life, healthily, at some point. You’re right when you say EDU teams ’save us’ from ourselves, even as DP&OP, every single movement was (and still is) monitored – “How did you get to your session Sarah, walked, so that’s exercise.” still get said. I am still at a tentative stage, I don’t know WHY I want to work out, and although I THINK its for positive reasons, I am not 100%, so I don’t, this makes me wonder if I’ll ever find balance. So to hear that you can RUN to RUN not RUN to BURN is music to my ears, it is more evidence that balance CAN be found, that there is life after bed-rest.

• Philip Magnier

  Well done.

• LilyTurtle

  are you sure its not still a way of controlling your weight? …still a remanent of anorexia albeit under control now? do you exercise like a ‘normal’ person now? what if you couldn’t exercise at all for a whole month? do you exercise to eat and eat to exercise ? only asking to pry whether you are fully recovered or just got things more under control? no offence intended. And a million well dones anyway

• http://twitter.com/ilonacatherine ilona burton

  I have never claimed to be ‘fully recovered’ and I still don’t. Those thoughts sometimes enter my head, yes, but they’re certainly not the driving force – far from it.

• LilyTurtle

  WELL DONE, GIRL!

• miss LAURA

  Love your blog

  come check mine out
  http://www.thefashionways.com

• Sami Sanders

  This is amazingly powerful and really spoke to me. I used to enjoy exercise, I lived to dance, to move, to run, now it has become that tiresome chore that you spoke about. Last year I ran a marathon to raise money for a fantastic Dance Movement Therapy center that I am training with,who,ironically, is pretty much saving my life right now. I was told by my Dr that the chance of me not finishing the race and dying before reaching the finish line was pretty high, and, like you it wasn’t enough to stop me. Luckily I managed it and it was one of the proudest days of my life. I am currently waiting for a bed in an IP ward and am scared of being ‘monitored’ as I still exercise, dance and keep busy with lots of working and teaching.
  Reading this has given me the hope and courage that it does get better. That although I’ll have to now, I don’t have to give up exercise all together and can begin to enjoy it again as long as I give my body the nourishment that it needs. That I CAN trust the team on the ward and that even though it feels unnecessary and dramatic the monitoring is for a reason. I hope that one day I can achieve the amazing things that you have. Thank you for inspiring me and making me realize that recovery isn’t about giving EVERYTHING up but just adapting and changing so its healthy and enjoyable rather then self destructive and a chore. Well done on your fantastic achievement! x

• Woody

  Reading your blogs it is incredible how much I can relate to what you are saying. I was worried to leave a comment as I don’t really like talking about what I’ve been through but hearing you describe your story is truly inspirational. I’ve recently graduated from Loughborough University and while I was there I lost a dramatic amount of weight and began controlling my food and exercise. I can’t really say when I developed an eating disorder and I’ve only really just accepted that I had/have one, it could have been from a young age or maybe it was just the change of environment going to university. Ever since I can remember though I have always loved sport and in particular been into athletics and running. I started taking my athletics more seriously in my second year at uni and this was when it developed into more of an obsession than a hobby. Being in such a competitive environment you are surrounded by top class athletes and I persuaded myself that I had to look and be like them to be successful. This was when everything began to spiral out of control. I was controlling what I ate to an extreme level at the same time I was training more than I ever had in my life. This obviously led to a serious amount of weight dropping off. I don’t think it was about being ’skinny’ for me, it was just something that I had to have control over. I HAD to do the training that I was supposed to every day and if I ate anything that I considered to be ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ then that was a form of failure I guess. Like you mentioned in one of your other blogs, I’ve always wanted to achieve the best I possibly could. I wanted to get A’s and A*’s at GCSE, I wanted As at A-level and I wanted to get a first class degree – and I managed to achieve all of those things. But I think being that driven and determined was to my detriment as it only made me more focused and determined to stick to my distorted eating exercise regime.

  As time went on, due to the fact that I was training more than ever, I was actually getting better at running, and I was racing well too (obviously this was unrealistic and wouldn’t have lasted as I was just getting smaller and smaller) but this sort of meant I was in denial that there was anything wrong as I could just focus on being a good runner. But then my coach at the time suggested that I cut back on my training until I managed to put on some weight and be healthier – this is when it started to become clear that there was a problem as I was so fixed in my ways that I couldn’t change my eating habits to put on weight. It was the weirdest feeling because I knew that I wanted to run but I couldn’t translate that into eating anymore or making any sort of change to my diet. As my weight didn’t improve my coach then suggested that I completely stop training altogether – this was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and it didn’t solve my problem at all. For over a year I completely cut out running from my life, which meant I missed out on so much. My eating habits didn’t improve, if anything they just got worse and I became more controlling over what I ate due to the fact that I wasn’t doing any exercise at all. I began trying to include any form of activity that I could – for example cycling to my lectures instead of walking – and I even got a part-time job to keep me busy so I could be active and on my feet instead of doing nothing. I can honestly say that the majority of my time was spent thinking about food which looking back I just think is such a shame when I could have been enjoying myself with my friends.

  I don’t believe in having regrets, I think everything happens for a reason and you’ve got to learn from things and help it make you a better person. After moving home from university this June, with the support of my friends and family I have started to gain weight and I managed to reach my goal weight that I set over a year and a half ago. Its difficult to keep reminding myself that this is a positive thing and it means I am healthy. But the reason I wanted to write here was that I too used exercise to help me get better. I have always been open with everyone around me and for a long time I’ve been saying that I wanted to get better I just never put it into action. But after coming home I decided that I needed running to be part of my life again – and that would be my motivation to eat more and put on some weight. I went back to my old athletics club where I’ve been since I was 9 and spoke to my coach there who was fully aware of my situation. He agreed to let me join into training again, only doing very small amounts and said he would be watching me like a hawk and would be strict as it would only be for my own benefit. So starting to train again and socialize with my group of friends meant I felt a lot more positive about changing my eating habits – eating a lot of foods that I had completely cut out of my diet and eating more realistic portion sizes. I can’t say that I enjoyed doing this and I can’t say that my appetite necessarily changed whatsoever. In fact there were some really hard times where it just seemed too much to keep pushing myself to overcome the barriers and fears I’d built up. But having that thought in the back of my head that I was training again and I was once again ‘an athlete’ sort of acted as my rationale in my head as to why I was doing it.

  I wanted to be healthy so that I felt better and had more energy and then this would mean that I could run and train more. So under the watchful eye of my parents, coach and friends I’ve managed to get to a healthier weight now and I’ve gradually built up my training. I can’t say that I’m completely recovered as its such a mental thing, I still have negative thoughts probably everyday but I have more and more reasons to push these away with the positive things I have.

  I just wanted to say that I think exercise can be used in a good way to help people recover, I know its different for everyone but this has seemed to work for me so far. I can’t say that I love my body at the moment, I still feel like I am a lot bigger than I am and I might sometime have thoughts that I want to lose some weight and often think of taking drastic measures like not eating altogether, but then I think to myself if I do that then I won’t be able to run that day – and this seems to have worked so far.

  I have my first race today for over a year and a half and I’m proud of myself for managing to get to this place. I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story as its helped me remain positive and know that I’ve managed to achieve something good too. Well done on your half marathon, I would love to do something like that for a charity like Beat in the future to help other people. (Sorry for the essay)

• http://twitter.com/Little_Em_ Emma

  This is so good to read! It sounds like you’ve found a way to fit exercise into your recovery that works for you, and that’s all that matters. People will have their opinions, and what’s right for one person isn’t for another, but you know your motives and the degree of freedom in your life – and the freedom and flexibility that come with being in a good place in recovery is all that really matters. My own experience is that I have definitely been guilty of over-exercising to punish my body & burn calories in the past. Now, I run (more of a jog, but again, I now really don’t mind that I’m slow and I listen to my body) for the enjoyment of improving and the feeling that I am looking after my health. It is such a different motivation.