Barking Blondes: Town vets, country vets and stoned dogs

There we were, lapping up the September sun and enjoying an alfresco lunch in the country when Matilda the bulldog appears from behind the lavender bed, head swollen to the size of a football and eyes like slits. Everybody gasped. British bulldogs are not known for their chiseled profiles but she was as disturbing as a gargoyle.

If this had happened in London, our home town, we would have put her on the lead, or even carried her to our vet round the corner. However, we were in deepest Kent staying with our only celebrity friend, a soufflé was in the oven and the nearest vet twenty miles away.

One guest dialled the veterinary practice, another hunted for car keys whilst the two of us panicked at the hives breaking out over Matilda’s body. She was becoming Linda Blair in front of our eyes.

We were told an appointment was necessary but we pulled rank by naming our celebrity friend then piled into the car, put the dog on a lap and put our foot down. Country lanes are frustrating in an emergency. A tractor, a scout group, a horse and rider, would you believe, all decided to be enjoying the same route in the sunshine.

Matilda’s breathing was becoming more pronounced. Her eyes, by now had completely disappeared. Like something out of The Sweeney, we screeched to a halt outside the village vet and burst into the waiting room. A man with a goat was in the queue before us! A goat! In Islington the most diverse it gets in reception is a hamster.

In front of the vet, everything calmed down. Two injections were given, one antihistamine and the other a steroid.

“Does it have to be a steroid?” we asked. “We have been trying to treat both of our dogs holistically.”

The vet attempted a look of patience.

The bill seemed cheaper than ANY vet bill we have ever paid in London.

“Is there an emergency vet available should she take a turn for the worse at night?” we asked, not doubting the professionalism of the practice but knowing in London we had a choice of many. There was. It was twenty miles away, in Ashford.

Matilda is now recognizable after her allergic reaction. Her Margaret Rutherford features have returned. The question we ask is how did her visit to a country vet compare to one in the city? Well, there were fewer frills. There were no tempting products for sale, such as fruit dog-friendly sorbets from an ice cabinet. There were no women of indeterminate age (apart from us) sitting in reception, with dogs on their laps demanding to be “next in because they have double parked”.

What would we have done if it was after hours and we didn’t have a car? The local bus stops at 6pm. If we had insisted on homeopathy, where could he have referred us? Urban vets deal mainly with cats and dogs and the occasional rodent. Would my city vet be equipped to deal with a goat in his surgery on a Tuesday night? Are the demands of his patients stranger than those in rural parts? I remember one summer being told that dogs were eating abandoned hash cakes, left behind from a rock festival in one London park. They survived but were obviously stoned.

Is the country vet bemused by the sight of a spoilt townie bulldog, in a gold collar, that’s allergic to something in the fresh air? Do we always choose the nearest surgery? Apart from geography, what makes us decide on the vet we use? Reputation? Price? Whatever the choice, we would like to thank those involved in Matilda’s recovery. She is back on form along with her flatulence.

Barking at the Moon is on every Thursday from 10pm to midnight on BBC London 94.9FM

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• http://twitter.com/longtallshazza Sharon Webley

  Glad Matilda is ok. My own vet used to do emergency appointments out of hours and I’ve had emergencies in the middle of the night with dogs with various life-threatening conditions and once on a Sunday when my dog got hit by a ca but now I have to go 10 miles up the road to vets who charge a standard £95 fee before they’ll even look at your pet, and then the treatment and medication is on top of that. The last time I went was with my 15 year old Border Collie who’d a vestibular episode. The young vet said she hadn’t seen this condition before which surprised me as it’s very common in aging Collies. She wanted to put him to sleep there and then. I had to insist on a steroid injection, which she eventually gave but I could tell that she didn’t think it would do any good. By the time I got home, Teddy had already started to improve and by the next morning he was 99% back to normal. He lived happily for a further 6 months.

• 5brian5

  Hi Ladies! I am sorry to hear of Matilda’s medical emergency. Back in the days when “hash cakes” were prevalent, and I was less educated about medical issues, I took a friends high dose penicillin capsule thinking it would help with a bad cold. I went to sleep and awoke during the night with my windpipe and face swollen to the point that I could hardly breath. I can well imagine how poor Matilda felt. It has crossed my mind more than once to ask my G.P. for a couple of “epi-pens” to put in my first aid kit. When I was younger, northern lower michigan looked like a great place to settle. Fresh air, trees, solitude, the whole lot. The problem was, no hospitals, let alone vetrinarians. Although there were a lot of cows, so maybe they had a cow A&E down some snow covered dirt road. There’s no doubt in my mind, its “close to the city” life for me, and I’m sure Matilda would concur. I’m happy that Matilda is feeling much better. I hope you can figure out the cause of her reaction. Off Topic A Bit; Did you hear or read about supermodel Maggie Rizer’s loss of her golden retreiver on an airplane trip. In one of your previous blogs you had talked about pet friendly airlines. Its a shame that she must not have been aware of them. Dying of heat exhaustion whilst vomiting sounds horrible to me, as I’m sure it was for her dog. Naturally, the criminals at the airlines deny any culpability. I hope she sues for millions so she can fund an organization to promaote pet awareness. I love your blog & B.A.T.M.! Take Care! Brian (Detroit)xxxx

• marcbletchley

  hello jo and anna ive been away from internet for two weeks so just playing catch up oh dear poor matilda it was lucky you had transport to get to the vets.
  interesting reading as normal
  woof woof from bletchley towers

• Laars

  “Back in the days when “hash cakes” were prevalent, and I was less
  educated about medical issues, I took a friends high dose penicillin
  capsule thinking it would help with a bad cold.”
  Sure this wasn’t an entry for the Darwin Awards?

• Gizwiz

  Thomasgoodey, I take it you’ve never had to resort to alternative remedies for a pet?? Count yourself very lucky indeed! I go to Richard Allport who has managed to identify an underlying problem causing my cat’s bladder and kidney stones. Conventional vets have only ever been able to treat the symptoms and had also pretty much said there was nothing else they could do. I believe ALL types of medicine have their places and I certainly wouldn’t be narrow minded enough to dismiss anything that could help my pet. If a real emergency arose she would almost certainly be taken straight to the fabulous Queen Mother Hospital at Hatfield who have previously used pioneering laser lithotripsy to treat her………a treatment many vets are unaware of. As for calling the RSPCA? Maybe you should – and then report the many vets (yes, Ben Fogle’s dad included) who charge such ridiculous fees that veterinary treatment cannot be afforded by growing numbers of pet owners.

• 5brian5

  Its just proof that your educational standard is much higher than the American model, but I didn’t think it was too bad for a sleep deprived “pleb”! L.O.L.