Adopting in Tanzania: Both sides now

(GETTY IMAGES)

A lot of people have offered to marry me over the last few years… but only out of pity. Whilst I wouldn’t mind a husband now and again to do the washing-up, it wouldn’t help my case. Married couples have to be residents here in Tanzania for two years before they can apply to adopt.

At one point I was told by Social Welfare that should I marry and apply as a couple, I would have to return my son to the orphanage and start the three-year process again. I’m not entirely sure that’s true but sometimes the truth is bent a little or a great deal, depending on what it is people are trying to coerce me into doing.

I have been told that the reason I can’t adopt is that I haven’t tried to have a baby “by using sex”, that a woman cannot raise a child alone, and that I am too young to be a parent. I’m 36. On a different occasion I was told I was too old. As for bribery, I plan to avoid ever having to tell my son anything that he could construe as me buying him. I will do this thing properly, I will do it honestly and I will one day tell him that I did everything the hard way and it took years. I will tell him that I did it because he was worth it. My mother calls me bloody-minded.

You’d think I’d feel special, asking to have allowances made by the law-makers and being the only one able to do so. But unsurprisingly being the only single person in the country who hadn’t finished their adoption before the law changed isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There’s no one to refer to, lean on, consult or compare notes with.

Equally entertaining is the fact that certain members of the local bureaucracy like to shake their keys at me constantly to remind me where the power lays. I can’t leave the country. I can’t leave town without written permission. I’m not allowed to let his hair grow because it’s neglect. I can visit one city in the north but not another in the south, for no reason other than someone’s whim. I am reprimanded if he stammers over a sentence in his mother tongue and again if he can’t express it in perfect English. More and more frequently I feel like throwing my toys out of the pram and storming off into a corner to sulk and cry. I might try that tomorrow actually.

I can make the stories sound amusing if I’m out to dinner but the truth is I’ve looked at it from all angles, and the way things are benefits absolutely no one. Even the higher level officials tell me they are sick of my case! It seems so long since I received permission to foster albeit in formal Swahili which I could not understand.

Full of excitement, I panicked briefly before thinking of my friend who could translate it. I called him, demanded rudely and incoherently that he drop whatever he was doing and meet me right now. Somehow he understood what I wanted and agreed to.

When I met him, he rapidly scanned the letter with a poker face and looked at me solemnly. ‘What were you expecting this letter to say?’ he enquired. ‘What does it say?’ I asked with fervour. ‘What do you want it to say?’ he posed, cocking his head slightly to one side. I screamed. He started to read: ‘The Tanzanian Department of Social Welfare would like it to be known that you, Bibi Jane Rose, have been approved by the state to become the foster parent of the child known as…’ . I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both at once.

At that moment commenced an arduous part of the most monumental journey of my life – that of gaining full and legal custody of my boy. This journey has so far robbed me of sleep, the capacity to think rationally and any sense of patience I had. It has instilled in me a deep-rooted anxiety, stemming from the uncertainty and insecurity of our situation. It has brought me frequent dreams where my son is being hurt in some way and I am unable to save him. However, with that letter came a small whirlwind, radiating love and with energy spilling out of him. When I’m worn down by the laborious process and weary with the whole thing, along potters my boy with one of his comments (‘you a gorgeous and dat dwess mama’) and suddenly, somehow everything’s alright.

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• Pacificweather

  With a bit of luck they are just testing you. Keep calm, play the game, and wait patiently and I am sure you will be rewarded. In the mean time you can enjoy just being his mother.

• thomasgoodey

  She is a silly woman because she is not getting the message. A man would be equally silly if he didn’t. It is silly to pursue two contradictory goals at once ["I plan to avoid ever having to tell my son anything that he could construe as me buying him. I will do this thing properly, I will do it honestly" and "I want to adopt this child in Tanzania"].

  I am sure that in Tanzania, theoretically, you can be arrested for either offering or soliciting a bribe, but nevertheless it is the custom of the country, and as she is finding out, you can’t get much done without bribery. Other posters are pointing out this elementary fact as well.

  No doubt it is all the white man’s fault in the first place, for introducing the horrid ideas of money and commerce to the poor sweet innocent Africans, but that’s just how it is at the moment. Live with it, girl, or fight the system. Your choice.

• Yvonne Langenberg

  What a silly comment by a silly man.

• Abdi Farah

  Actually Tanzania knew a great deal about money and commerce, its coast was a bustling commercial hub in pre-European colonial days with extensive trade links to Somalia, South Africa, the Malagasy island, India and Oman. It received significant immigration because of it, again, before Europeans decided to put their nose in it.

  So, regarding the super smart comment by such an eminently smart person like you… It’s basically a load of rubbish. But it’s fine, you go ahead and keep living in your biased cacoon, we the Sweet Africans who knew nothing before your magnificence arrived have the perfect remedy… Not giving a sh**….

• http://twitter.com/shadycara zoe dixon

  Dear Thomas Goodey – I live in Tanzania and have lived here for 10 years. I have adopted FIVE children and I have NEVER ‘greesed a palm’ in the process. Is it frustrating – yes. Is it an emotional roller coaster – yes. But is it possible to adopt in Tanzania without bribery – yes. Jane Rose sadly applied to adopt at a time when the adoption laws were being changed and, as like everything else here, change takes time. I have no doubt at all that Jane Rose will adopt her wonderful little boy and they will both live happily ever after….it will just take more time and stress and heartache than most adoptions. She’s not pursuing ‘two contradictory goals at once’….she is simply trying to make her son, her legal son on paper. It ISN’T impossible to do this without bribery – it is just a fight…but one well worth continuing.

  Written by my sister, Amy Hathaway, who currently lives in Tanzania with her 5 adopted children.

• ngombe

  Pole Mama. Having been born in (East) Africa then being informed at the age of 18 that I could live in the country, but was inelligible to study in the University or work (without a work permit), came as a shock to me. So like thousands of others I opted to take my British passport and leave for the UK. That was over 30 years ago. Over the years what we have learnt is that no matter how noble our intentions, no matter how much benefit you will bring to the local people, as long as certain stomachs are not fed with ‘chai’ or ‘kitu kidogo’ nothing happens. This is from top to bottom. I salute you for your courage and perseverance and know that in the end you will succeed. Hang in there.

• Amy

  What a wonderful article. Been there, thankfully I can say “done that.” Hopefully, you will be next. I never paid any of the bribes, either. You have it so much harder there than I did. Sending you good wishes and positive thoughts!