The cultural lessons footballers really need to know

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez

A proposal has been put forward that will see all foreign players and managers arriving in English football given “cultural lessons”.

The move is part of a response by football’s authorities to the Government’s call for tougher action to tackle discrimination. There are merits to the proposal, and perhaps it could be extended to ensure a fuller understanding of the intricacies of our national game.

Here are a few handy pointers that foreigners really ought to be aware of…

• Expect to be considered a diver, until proven otherwise. If English players dive, particularly those who play for the national team, it will be out of character.

• If a player isn’t particularly good and lacks that foreign ‘flair’, he is ‘honest’.

• Various commentators and pundits will fail to pronounce your name correctly. Persistent offenders include David Pleat and Chris Kamara. Learn to take it with good grace.

• At times, shouts directed at you from the crowd will be unintelligible – this is caused by the cultural practice of ensuring a group of 10 mates all buy a round before the 3pm kick-off, having only arrived at the pub at 1pm.

• Football started 20 years ago – incidentally the same year the Premier League was formed.

• Like fans across the rest of the world we love David Beckham, but we struggle to show it, and will instead be more likely to berate him for refusing to retire.

• Never cross Alex Ferguson. It’s just not worth it.

• Liverpool were once good – expect to be told this at regular intervals even though it was quite some time ago.

• Chelsea were not good – talk about this is less forthcoming.

• You have just joined ‘The best league in the world’. Never contradict this statement.

Follow Simon Rice on Twitter @simonrice

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• ourmaninberlin

  You left out that it is divided into two regions; London and everywhere else.

• $38130512

  another cultural lesson should be to learn to live with being paid £100 per week instead of £200,000 per week as at present. The excesses of little boys kicking a ball about with this obscene amount of money are there for all to see

• Tim

  you meant; manchester and everywhere else, surely?

• Dan Young

  Given that recent racism-based arguments have come from English players, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand (Ferdinand calling Cole a Choc-Ice and Cole changing his story to back Terry against Anton Ferdinand) it shouldn’t be as racist as it may be to suggest that it is foreign players causing the problems (of course Suarez is the high profile foreign individual) but surely it should be attacking the route of racist beliefs etc. rather than assuming it’s because foreign players are uneducated?