Secondary breast cancer: A letter to my mum on Mother’s Day
There is so much I want to say that is hard to verbalise so I hope you accept this letter to you. In a funny way, my secondary breast cancer diagnosis brought us closer together. Combined with my counselling I think we get on better than before, but there is so much sadness I feel.
One of the things that makes me hope for more time is the thought of leaving you early. I can’t bear the thought that I could bring so much sadness and grief by dying before you. No parent should bury their children and I really hope that isn’t the case for us.
I know you sometimes think I had a difficult childhood and while there were challenges, I remember the good times too. You made Christmas so special, as kids we had massive trees full of colourful, sparkling ornaments. I think this is where I got my first taste of being a bit of a magpie! And one year you were even able to leave the magical Christmas tree up till August! Every year you’ve sent me a Valentine’s card, and thanks to a problem with Royal Mail this year I got two!
Where you really excel though is Easter. Even to this day I still get a basket filled with little chicks, toys, chocolate and flowers too. This brings me so much joy and has made Easter such a special holiday. You were the cool mum who went to see Queen at Knebworth and volunteered to be the adult chaperone when my friends and I went to see A-ha in concert aged 12-years-old.
I feel great sadness that I will never be able to pass these loving things onto my own children and that you won’t be able to bring such joy to your grandchildren. That empty place in both our hearts for the next generation will never be filled and I’m so sorry to be the cause of that.
One solace we can find in our relationship is each other. My mortality has forced us to examine our relationship and make sure we understand and support each other better than we ever had before. I love you so much and am so thankful that you are my mum, my quirky, eccentric and beautiful mother.
Let’s start focusing on your move to Manchester, as once it’s complete I will feel happy knowing that you are settled and ready for the next stage of your life. So while cancer is robbing us of one aspect of our lives together let’s make the most of what we have!
For more information on secondary breast cancer visit www.breastcancercare.org.uk/secondaryTagged in: Breast Cancer, cancer
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