Made in Chelsea- Series 5, episode 5
While everyone in Made in Chelsea is busy getting their reputations “made” in Piccadilly bars and Camden burlesque clubs, at least Mark Francis and Victoria are keeping it real in Chelsea, getting down at The Judith Blacklock Flower School.
Mark Francis and Victoria stole episode five in a scene that makes you wonder why the two don’t feature more heavily in the show. They are snobby, they are bitchy and they are ludicrously posh: the best combination for satisfying, inversely voyeuristic television.
“Don’t you think this [pale pink rose] is such a morning flower?” coos Mark Francis, “Yah,” replies Victoria, “it’s something to get up for”. This is mind-numbing drivel. What is it even supposed to mean? Is Victoria finding it hard to get out of bed? Is she in a state of depression about her vacuous existence?
Then Mark Francis declares that flower arranging is “the perfect wife skill” for Victoria (feminism is seemingly yet to hit SW3) and therein ensues a real bitch-snob-fest about social class, flower arranging and weddings.
Victoria gets her beautifully manicured claws out and says Millie’s wedding would be like “My Big Fat Gypsy wedding [clever plug here for another Channel 4 show] sort of diamantes and really big trails.”
Could this be a very snooty (all be it subtle) snub at Millie Mackintosh’s forthcoming nuptials to Hackney man Professor Green? He sure doesn’t have a family tiara.
Another notable fact to emerge from episode five is that Andy and Louise both study Geography at university. As if we needed any further evidence that they are spoon-fed bores with mid-to-low level ranging intellects (and let’s hope Andy doesn’t get any colouring pencils stuck up those big nostrils of his).
The series is progressing in a predictable, albeit satisfying way: Louise is moving in for the kill on Andy, Spencer has already marked his territory with Lucy, Jamie can’t hold down a relationship and Ashley doesn’t understand bisexuality.
But this episode did throw up a few new developments, although none as funny as Spencer’s chauffer-driven Bentley with the personalised number plate Lip55y. Ollie has admitted to having “no libido” when it comes to sleeping with Ashley, despite thinking she’s “beautiful and wonderful”. Also, Proudlock and Phoebe are shaping up to be the next “cute couple” on the Chelsea apartment block (they have soooo much in common, like, the whole fashion thing).
Props this episode to Binky (as usual, for being gobby, straight talking and having a personality) but also to Proudlock, who gave some much-needed words of wisdom to Spencer. Like a calm, collected headmaster, Proudster gave Spenny a gentle telling off about his treatment of Louise, before asking the million dollar question “I mean, do you really like Lucy Watson or are you doing it to just get at Louise?”
Lucy Watson is one of those notoriously awful people whose peers only ever refer to he or she by their name and surname. I hope her and Spencer Matthews’ romantic bonk-fest in Paris really is “bof”
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