Secondary Breast Cancer: Good news but feeling blue
I seem to be in a never ending storm of feeling blue, tired, run down, fed up, lonely and sad and I’m having a tough time finding the sunshine again.
I always knew my big trip abroad would be an incredible experience but difficult for me health wise. However, I never knew it would set me back so far. I went way for a three-week adventure of work, play and friends. I had a five-day beach trip, a five-day work trip and a seven-day visit to friends booked in Malaysia and Australia.
It was great but it was hard too; there were battles with the airline over seat changes; there were battles with hotels over bad service, bad rooms and bad smells; there were lots of long haul flights; there were lots of carrying too many bags; there were dodgy stomachs and a poorly digestive system; there were lots of tears. Challenging enough for a healthy person but for someone with secondary breast cancer, it’s doubly hard.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I went and the highlight was seeing one of my best friends get married, a memory I will cherish for a lifetime. Seeing him so settled, happy and in love made me a very happy lady indeed.
The journey home from Australia was an ordeal and left me totally spent and exhausted, to such an extent that I haven’t left my house much in three weeks. I’ve done everything I’ve needed to do such as keep up with friends, go to hospital appointments and business meetings but I haven’t done any of the extra stuff: the earn money stuff, the get fresh air stuff.
My counsellor described my home as my safe place and she is right, I feel safe here and the world outside feels very scary right now. Big, harsh and scary. It’s frustrating and annoying and I want to give myself a shake and a good kick up the bum but I don’t seem to have the energy.
I think about how you shouldn’t have to do all this life and cancer stuff on your own and I realise how tired I am, not sleepy tired but tired to my core.
Tired of going to the hospital on my own for all the tests and treatments; tired of making all my own food and sorting my house out; tired of finding the energy to get up every morning and face each day, trying to smile and make the world think everything is okay; tired of pretending that I might see that wonderful friend in Australia again and that wasn’t the last time we said goodbye; tired of carrying this weight on my shoulders around on my own.
And then there is the guilt. I know I am one of the lucky ones, I am stable again, my tumours are under control. There are so many women and men who aren’t in my position, so I should be out there, seizing life by the hands and having fun. I just can’t find the energy at the moment, I will but alright now it feels too hard.
I do have hope though… I know this is just a phase and I have good moments as well as bad ones. In a few weeks time I’ll read this blog and groan at how self pitying it is. I will find my strength, gumption and power again but right now it all feels too big. This is my life, this yo-yo from active cancer to controlled cancer to active cancer, and each time it changes I have to change with it, my world has to change with it until there are no more changes. So I’m having some difficulty with this latest change even though it’s a good change, that my tumours are under control once more. So I’m resting in my safe place because I don’t believe the saying that a change is as good as rest, I think this change needs a rest.
For more information on secondary breast cancer visit www.breastcancercare.org.uk/secondaryTagged in: Breast Cancer, cancer
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