‘Vicious’ – Series 1, episode 4
The opening titles squeal ‘Never Can Say Goodbye…’. Oh Lord how I wish I could heave this series off the edge of a broadcasting cliff. I know, I know: “Stop watching then!” But readers! I have agreed to write this blog for all six episodes. The Independent has tied me to a chair and my gaping eyes have been pointed towards this horror-show! What can I do? I’m screaming through my gag but all anyone can hear is a muffled and atonal wail… my captors assume I’m doing my impression of Rebecca Ferguson.
I did an interview on BBC something or other last week and people got in touch to say they liked the series. Are they swivel-eyed loons? Somehow I suspect many of its fans are the same people who would deny this clownish pair of gaygoyles the right to marry. Perhaps that’s unfair but I honestly can’t see how contemporary gays can enjoy this programme.
Well before it begins, I predict Sir Derek will be on the phone to Mother and Sir Ian will appear at the top of the stairs… ah yes. There’s Sir Derek. Oh and now Sir Ian. Groundhog Gay. Obviously this is a deliberate format structure but I don’t see the point of it. It simply doesn’t work. Repetition is supposed to make the joke funnier (The Fast Show) not more turgid.
Sir Ian’s entire body is creaking? No that’s the script.
The doorbell. It’s Violet. We knew that though didn’t we? Do you know what? There is nothing I can write about this dusty show that I haven’t already said. Its hopes of winning me over flopped, faded and gasped their last gasp way back in episode 2. I was brought up not to speak ill of the dead.
But I’m told I must plough on with the review. The adverts are 10 minutes away. Smearing bran flake goo from a bowl suddenly seems quite alluring.
I just left it sitting on my laptop on ITV player. I’m back. Never has the word RESUME struck me with such melancholy.
Ash says he gets paid by the head. Sir Ian thinks he said give head. That means fellatio. That’s a bit icky really, isn’t it? This sitcom isn’t edgy enough for that.
The old lady, Penelope, is back. She has awesome comic timing.
They go to a club. The show always gets better when it leaves the apartment; for instance when they visited the shop or… during the adverts.
We have an anti-lesbian joke. Well, gay men do like those. Gay people can be horribly homophobic at times.
Penelope has delivered a funny line. Or, at least, it made me smile. “He only likes dick.” Shock humour, I know but we must be thankful for what we are given in this show.
Ooh pan face has a wet t-shirt! He does have nice pecs, I must say.
Sir Ian has just been pulled by someone completely out of his league while I look on alone. It’s like every other clubbing experience I’ve ever had.
Sir Ian seems to have settled on a kind of glottal hummmmgh noise after every one of his lines. Perhaps he has a sensitive gag reflex. (That’s bloody funny, that is.)
Last week’s episode saw Sir Ian moping girlishly because Ash had belittled him. This week is Sir Derek’s turn to do exactly the same. This thing knows no boundaries to its lack of adventure.
I honestly don’t think I can write any more about the programme without becoming every bit as predictable as the characters themselves. Clearly, Vicious has an audience, but people will slow down and strain their necks to peer at motorway crashes. I’m told some will even attend performances of We Will Rock You. You could screen footage of Helen Mirren playing Connect Four with a potato and you’d get enough viewers for a second series.
Since Vicious refuses to do so, this review must now accept defeat and die a death. I have better things to do. I’m going to switch this nonsense off and do some washing up. Smearing bran flake goo from a bowl suddenly seems quite alluring.
Best wishes to the cast and crew.
Here Lies Andy West’s blog about Vicious
It began in hope
It ended in miseryTagged in: Derek jacobi, Ian McKellen, iwan rheon, Vicious
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