The Battle of the Bulge
I sense I need to sell you a bit more on this one, so let’s start at the beginning. The video embedded below has been making the online rounds this week in an atmosphere of frank disbelief. If you have four minutes to spare, I urge you to watch it and see why (safe for work, to an excruciating extent):
Now would be a good time to insert a caveat: the video could turn out to be a parody, in which case I’ll amend this post. But it appears to be the genuine work of well-intentioned Mormon proselytisers. For those of you unable to watch it, this film makes the sincere argument that failing to save one’s friend from the evils of masturbation and “porn addiction” is the equivalent of leaving him (and only him, because we know women never, ever masturbate) to die on the battlefield.
I’m not excising any nuance here, that is the argument. The narrator asks young believers to cast themselves as fighters in a “Great War” for spiritual purity. The putative self-manipulator – who actually looks more wholesome than an animate box of Shredded Wheat – is shown dead-eyed and bathed in the sinister glow of a laptop screen.
At the end, when his wounded body (soul) has been rescued from the spiritual battlefield (erection), the same young man is shown blanding it up with some other young Mormons in bright, healthy sunlight. Some of them are even girls! He shares one last comradely and achingly homoerotic smile with the friend who saved him from himself – quite literally – and everything’s alright. Everything’s all right. It’s OK. It’s fine.
I never know quite what to make of Mormonism. Some of their beliefs are indeed eye-catchingly bizarre, but hardly more so than, say, Noah’s Ark, the Resurrection, and other implausible doctrines; the only difference is that the tall tales of mainstream Christianity are too familiar to notice. The Church has a disconcerting habit of making it difficult to abandon the faith, but while distasteful, this behaviour doesn’t nearly rise to cult-like levels, which can’t be said for certain other highly-litigious, science-fiction-based religions.
Mormons do seem genuinely happy, though they often have a squeaky-clean, Stepford Wives quality that makes your neck itch. But without wishing to be crude – while still being crude – I can’t help but wonder how long this apparently-genuine sense of spiritual wellbeing would last if all Mormons actually followed their own advice and… laid down their arms.
In a highly competitive field, the Christian prohibition against masturbation could well be the least reasonable of all religious strictures. Devout believers are already tasked with a demanding moral and sexual feat – abstaining from sex until marriage – but God, as ever, isn’t satisfied. Having furnished each of us with opposable thumbs and arms just the right length, He denies us a vital escape valve: no orgasms until marriage, by any means. Even though the letter of the Bible merely forbids “spilling” one’s seed, which should let women off the hook, His representatives on Earth have rarely cared for this distinction.
In other words, God has set his followers up to fail; it’s Adam and Eve all over again. Most mainstream branches of Christianity have quietly de-emphasised this teaching as the secular world has come to view masturbation as normal, even healthy. This, arguably, is Christianity’s true strength: it continually adapts itself to the society around it without ever quite conceding that’s what’s going on.
This video can be seen as another example of Mormonism’s relative isolation leaving it behind the times, like the exclusion of black men from the priesthood that persisted until 1978. I very much doubt young Mormons will still be fed such propaganda in a decade or three. But until then, I reiterate my entirely serious claim that masturbation is a great blessing.
The sex drive is the most powerful and distracting of all human urges, and nature has given us an easy means of keeping it under control. It requires no equipment save that you were born with, unless your tastes run that way. It reduces blood pressure and stress, along with numerous other health benefits. It passes the time. It probably doesn’t contribute to world peace, but I wouldn’t discount the idea.
This is why I say, to any Mormons or members of other anti-Onanist sects reading this: is it possible the Lord has simply been misunderstood on this point? It’d hardly be the first time. The alternative explanation, frankly, is that he just doesn’t like you very much.
Being a godless heathen, I naturally think the “no sex before marriage” rule is also unnecessary. But if you’re truly determined to be a virgin on your wedding night without losing your mind in the process, it’s time to take matters into your own hands.Tagged in: Bible, Christianity, masturbation, Mormonism, Mormons, orgasm, orgasms, Religion, secularism, sex
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