"To liveblog or not to liveblog?" Thus was the question posed by the superlative US gossip site Defamer (inimitable, but oh, how one tries). A pertinent matter, of course, but not one over which I have much choice. I am under strict instructions to record in minute detail the first episode of much-hyped "reality" show, Vanity Lair.
There are a few technical matters to be addressed, but first some essentials: Vanity Lair (clever...) is the latest offering from Channel 4 in their quest to monopolise Sunday hang-over viewing.
Presented by the ubiquitous but enchanting Alexa Chung, the concept is simple: 10 housemates live together in a North London mansion; all believe they are beautiful, some less accurately than others. Each week, three outsiders compete for a place on the inside. They are given various tasks to test their egos, looks, and, ahem, "inner beauty".
At the end of it all, the housemates vote to let one of the newcomers into the mansion; the chosen one then has to pick one incumbent to boot out. Cue much bitching, flirting and tactical voting (we hope!), and then presumably, numerous covers of Heat magazine et al (somewhat less excited about that).
Now if that doesn't sound like the best thing since America's Next Top Model then, well, you must be hard of hearing. But if you need any further convincing, check out the trailer.
And so to the mechanics: in observance of liveblogging tradition, new entries will appear in the form of comments, with the oldest at the top and the newest at the bottom. Refresh the page every 10 seconds or so, except in the ad breaks when I'll be in the kitchen for some respite.
Given my level of excitment about the whole thing I am fully expecting to be disappointed. But here goes...
It's starting! Cue modern credits montage.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 12:53 PM
And here are the housemates in all their perma-tan glory
A supply teacher, Miss London (wants to be a journalist), a masters student, several models, a student, a teenage country girl and just finished and model who's into Buddhism (yeah who's not?)
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 12:55 PM
Oooh clever! They're being forced to eat at a, ahem, "banquet". Liking the mind games. Wonder who's throwing up in the bathroom?
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 12:56 PM
Is it just me or are there a lot of really ugly people in the house?
Posted by: Mark | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 12:58 PM
Uh-oh. Geordie model boy (Nick?) doesn't like fat people: 'why can't they, like, just not eat.'
My favorite already!
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 12:59 PM
Discussion turns to this week's newbie: all the girls want "a good-looking boy". The boys are divided: Some want a 'fit girl', others just, like, someone who can have a serious conversation. Yeah whatev.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:02 PM
Q & A time:
Night in with girl or out with the lads? Out with the lads (predictable...)
Ugly and rich or poor and hot? Rich and have surgery (best answer!)
Your best feature and my best feature? eyes and legs (yawn)
If you can be any animal what would it be? Tiger
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:06 PM
Oooohh they've chosen the newbies! Glamour model Kelley and Layabout Thomas.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:08 PM
Ok so: they've chosen two new residents but by the end of the show, on will have to go. The ugliest apparently. And then the one that stays picks the incumbent to evict...confusing.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:10 PM
Thomas must go, surely. Blonde hair, purple shirt?
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:12 PM
Mark! Hello! Just noticed your posting. It seems we have a bit of dialogue going on...Have to say, couldn't agree with you more.
What's going on with little miss countryside? Maybe Daddy's a casting director?
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:16 PM
Sex alert! Two residents in a bathtub.
But surely she shouldn't be drinking from the bath tap like that? It is London after all.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:18 PM
Oh no! Girls having their makeup taken off.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:19 PM
And boys have to sweep their hair back.
Tony: Omigod I'd rather lose my hair than my legs.
I love this boy!
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:22 PM
The dubiously named Pavle and Nick play pool, get deep and meaningful"
"People are, like, so obsessed with like personal like appearances it's like, literally all the think about, like. "
Mmm.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:25 PM
Oh no poor Tony! According to symmetry tests. Tony's the least "scientifically beautiful."
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:29 PM
And he cries.
Oh, and vomits.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:30 PM
After the break: Kelly & Thomas find out which of them will stay, housemates will find out who will be evicted.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:34 PM
Is it just me or is Alexa Chung much better looking than any of there characters?
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:39 PM
Judgement time
Thomas - scores 90
And Kelley...
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:40 PM
89!
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:41 PM
Ok - Thomas stays, Kelly goes. But who will he choose to evict?
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:41 PM
Steph!
Thoughts anyone????
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:42 PM
She was a bit Surrey. Back to the suburbs!
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:44 PM
Tony is a total tosser. He should have gone!
Posted by: Mark | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:46 PM
And so...it comes to an end. What to think, what to think?
The Jury's out for me: Definitely not up there with 'The Hills', but probably marginally superior to 'America's Next Top Model' (at least series three).
No doubting that Ms Chung was the best looking by far. Deliberately so, I suspect. It's called Vanity Lair, after all.
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:49 PM
(Tony the Tosser, I like it.)
Over and out.
G.S. x
Posted by: The Gutter Sniper | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 01:52 PM
God, it sounds terrible. How's Britney?
Posted by: Rob | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 02:23 PM
I thought steph was sweet.. shouldnt have gone. tony should have!
Posted by: Jess | Sunday, 03 February 2008 at 09:34 PM
I wish it was presented by the evil twin of the guy from How to look good naked, whose job it was to tell them they weren't nearly as pretty as they thought they were. That really would be public service broadcasting.
Posted by: em | Monday, 04 February 2008 at 10:21 AM
I genuinely hope that after being ousted Tony trawls the net and finds out that he's the most obnoxious, unlikable, disgusting, shallow, devious, ugly, nasty LOSER on the planet. He actually said he didn't understand why Emmet voted him out! Can he really be so stupid that he doesn't realise that bitching about someone else behind their back doesn't make them look bad but himself? I am fuming from the total lack of a media via which we can send messages to the inmates and former inmates; he needs to know how much of an absolute PIG he is.
Posted by: Doe | Monday, 18 February 2008 at 11:26 AM