I've just started my summer reading with He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know after checking out a great review on The F Word. The reviewer remarks that "an awful lot of people see the "virgin or whore", "good girl or bad girl" paradigm as a relic of the past (ignoring how it still works against all women and girls today)."
I could have told her that and it makes me angry. Because I choose to write about relationships, I've been called a slut, infantile and shallow. I've also been accused of wanting attention and had people who don't know me throw pop psychology at me and tell me that I have self-esteem issues.
This would never happen to a man with the same job. I think what bothers me the most is the assumption that, in this day and age, a woman who owns her sexuality can't be a well-rounded, happy individual.
I'm not saying for one second that everyone should have lots of casual sex; we all have to choose our own paths. It's not promiscuity that is empowering, it's sexual equality, and the right of women (and men!) to choose how they want to live their lives - whether that means having one partner for life, or twelve per week.
My column isn't about living in a fantasy world: I've had my heart broken, and have written several columns on safe sex and STD testing (which by the way should be something EVERY sexually active person does, regardless of number of partners they have!). My life as a single girl has ups and downs, in the same way that people in relationships have.
But I must admit that as a feminist, if I do have a personal crusade it would be seeing disgusting double standards eliminated. Several posters have written that people look down on sexually active women in society, and "that's just the way it is". I don't accept that, but as the book says, "it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word 'slut' is: controlling women through shame and intimidation".
Sex is a joyful, personal experience, and I believe that it's demeaning to women, or anyone else, to suggest that we are somehow "dirtied" by having it. Sorry, but my vagina isn't a depreciating asset.
As for my place in The Independent... Sex and relationships are important to a lot of us, at the end of the day, and I'm incredibly lucky to work for such a fantastic newspaper. I welcome and accept criticism of my writing style, points I've made or debate on blog topics, but I'm not going to be intimidated by personal attacks (especially the disgusting ones that have been deleted!) sent from behind a veil of faceless anonymity.
And this supposed double standard is a myth anyway. A man who is promiscuous is seen as irresponsible and not fit to hold office (Julius Caesar was boo-ed because of his sexual incontinence).
It is an advantage if men take risks - they can achieve more status then have more children with the women making themselves available to the man with status.
It is a disadvantage for women to take risks - she will lose her baby is pregnant and, as a woman takes almost a year to have a baby, whereas a man can father hundreds in a year, this would make no evolutionary sense at all.
It is NOTHING to do with society; it is to do with biology and instinct.
There are just as many double standards men have to put up with anyway. The only difference is men don't moan and whinge about it - they just get on with it! If they moaned of course they would be seen as weak (no matter what women say) - so that's why men don't ask for help, go to the doctor, express weakness. If they do they are disrespected, demeaned and mocked by women - so if anything, it is women who should try to change!!!! Not men...
Posted by: Bong bongo man | Wednesday, 14 May 2008 at 04:22 PM
So Catherine Townsend's sex life is responsible now not only for women's low self-esteem, men's low self-esteem, the collapse of feminism and the credit crunch, but also the Middle East Crisis, all war and everything bad ever done in/ by America. Crikey, someone really should tie her legs together.
Posted by: bewildered | Wednesday, 14 May 2008 at 06:49 PM
Bongo Bongo man (whose "literary" (sic) style is remarkably similar to that of The Truth and Steady Eddie) cannot be a real man because he claims real men don't whinge and Bongo Bongo Man's posts are one long self pitying whinge. In terms of Darwin, the biological imperative explains why women would reject an evolutionary loser like Bongo Man in favour of genuine alpha males. He should just accept simple biology instead of ranting hysterically at how unfair life is.
As for some of those people criticising Catherine's column, again I am perplexed as to why such masochists make their way here time and again, if they genuinely dislike what she has to say for herself. They come across as reincarnated Mary Whitehouses, whose expressions of moral indignation and outrage are somewhat undermined by the thoroughness with which they are able to cite her previous columns by heart.
Posted by: Kate | Friday, 16 May 2008 at 09:33 PM
Kate - time of the month eh? You are proving my point - women divide men into heros and wimps, and the typical way any woman tries to put a man down is to belittel him, demean him, question his masculinity and call him a wimp and a loser. Thanks for showing exactly what I mean Kate. You are a perfect illustration of monkey brains at work.
Posted by: bongbongoman | Saturday, 17 May 2008 at 02:46 PM
this is artical is amazing and i see your piont and i agree.
i have been called all sorts of names due to me having a few more sexual partners then my friends. i dont see why people who enjoy sex and dont want to be tied down cant live their life the way they want to.
i have boyfriends and i have been in love and had my heartbroken and i think that is one of the reasons that i am so afraid to commit to a long term relationship due to the fact i dont want my heart broken again.
Posted by: danni | Tuesday, 20 May 2008 at 03:17 PM
Bongobongoman, you are a fool. I suggest you venture away from the noxious social circles in which you move, if you did you might realise that you do not speak of all or even most of womankind when you rant on about women sifting "losers" from "heroes" and chasing after men with money. I couldn't give a damn if a man's rolling in money or on the breadline, those aren't my priorities either instinctively or logically and aren't the priorities of most women (or men, in fact) that I know.
Having said that, I do agree that many feminists are fixated with the prejudices that women face and seem to have an all-encompassing despisal of men, completely denying that there are in fact numerous foul prejudices that men face too. Was it you that mentioned that feminists couldn't pick and choose equality? That much I agree with. But there is a lot of truth in the fact that in general, our society looks down on women with more than a few sexual partners and men do not receive this same treatment. It's disgusting and an example of the lack of equality that we face, but by no means the only one and I would hope that rather than "both sides" becoming obsessed and self-indulgent with regards to whinging about the prejudices that "they" face, people might attempt to erase prejudice on ALL sides. Which would mean the likes of "The Truth" stopping their foolish, "women are golddiggers" rants and the loony feminists giving up their man-hate. But of course, I suspect I am being idealistic.
Posted by: Lola | Thursday, 22 May 2008 at 11:09 AM
Ignoring the trolls, double standards in soceity can really be a problem for women. What often gets missed out is that we aren't the only ones who have double standards applied to us and that it can be a probmel for just about anyone.
And the trolls could still be worse, this could be the Daily Mail...
Posted by: Chan | Saturday, 31 May 2008 at 05:04 PM
"Blah blah blah.......Because I choose to write about relationships, I've been called a slut, infantile and shallow. I've also been accused of wanting attention and .....blah blah blah, me me me.....This would never happen to a man with the same job. I think......blah blah blah....me me me."
You self important wretch. A man would be ridiculed for this crap as well. It's not about a woman owning her sexuality, it's that this is poor self obsessed journalism is getting published in the first place.
Posted by: Marlowe | Thursday, 05 June 2008 at 12:43 PM
I think her column is interesting and funny(and also informative!), and I look forward to when she settles down also because it seems like she deserves someone nice :) Keep on keeping on!!
Posted by: Brian | Thursday, 19 June 2008 at 08:22 AM
Ps, it really isn't necessary to be insulting, no-one forces anyone to read the column....it is a very tiny proportion of the newspaper after all, and only once a week. I agree with Kate totally - even though I'm not au fait with the Mary Whitehouse reference....my bad :)
Posted by: Brian | Thursday, 19 June 2008 at 08:28 AM
You're a slut in denial.
Posted by: Emma | Saturday, 05 July 2008 at 08:52 PM
What's more pathetic than a whore? The suckers who think she's a writer.
Posted by: Gabriele | Tuesday, 20 January 2009 at 03:00 PM