Reading about Lindsay Lohan's lover's tiff with girlfriend Sam Ronson over Calum Best (who bloggers in New York have nicknamed Calum Worst), I can't help thinking that Calum must be Lindsay's toxic ex. Everybody seems to have one; he's the guy who you are drawn to like a magnet at your moment of greatest vulnerability (for Lindsay, this was probably pre-rehab).
He's the charmer who reduces you to tears while you are dating, stages dramatic confrontations because of his own extreme insecurity, and on top of that displays extreme arrogance with no real talent to back it up. But you keep going back for more, because you can't help yourself. And every time you call him out about his appalling behaviour, he'll spin some sob story about his tough childhood and have YOU feeling sorry for HIM. Your girlfrields shake their heads when his number appears on your mobile, because they couldn't understand his appeal in the first place.
But you have to hit rock bottom yourself before you finally delete their number for good -and learn the lesson that no matter how great the sex is, these boys just aren't worth the drama. Hanging out with a guy like Calum would be a worse setback for her then taking twelve tequila shots in a row.
Honestly, does the independent actually pay you for this?
Posted by: Raed | Saturday, 22 November 2008 at 08:58 AM
Perpetual hymn of an open book.
Like an iced
dream my mind
disappears in
the heart of
an innocent
nurse, when a
clamour appears
and a delicate
blackbird discovers
a glimmer.
Francesco Sinibaldi
Posted by: Francesco Sinibaldi | Saturday, 22 November 2008 at 07:46 PM
I can understand where you're coming from. That bit about the bloke going on about having a bad childhood and making you feel sorry for him really hit home! I've just realized that I'm in that kind of relationship, it's extremely destructive on you're mind as you'll always feel that you're the bad guy in the argument when it was all HIS fault to start with! It's ridiculous! And because his eyes well up, he gets all choked up, gives you the sob story and THAT "look" he thinks he can get away with murder!
Men like that are also dirty hypocrites! It's all OK for him to get hammered and look at "fit" people but as soon as you do it, oh no, it's a big no-no! God forbid!
Posted by: Anastasia | Sunday, 23 November 2008 at 12:59 PM
Catherine put your knickers on and make a cup tea.
It is impossible to be intimate if you have no sense of self, for how can you expect to share yourself when you do not know who you really are and how can another know you when you do not know who you really are. It helps when you create a strong sense of self by developing strong boundaries. It is our physical boundaries that protect our bodies and also help us to understand the signals as to when someone is to close for comfort or attempts to touch us inappropriately. It is our sexual boundaries that keep us safe and comfortable sexually. Those with weak boundaries often have sex when they don't really want to. It is our emotional boundaries tell us where our emotions end and another’s begin for they display for us when our feelings are about ourselves and when they are about others. For when we understand that we have intellectual boundaries and spiritual boundaries and that it is those that determine our beliefs and values it is then that an individual has a sense of self and self-confidence they do not fear abandonment, engulfment or isolation. Without such strong boundaries we cannot know where another and we begin. This is when individuals have trouble saying no from not knowing what they want. For such are the crucial behaviours that establish intimacy.
Intimacy dysfunction is potentiated by sexual dysfunction. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families have what I call damage sexual development patterns caused by poor sexual modelling in their family. It could be derived through parental disappointment with the child’s gender, through contempt and humiliation for the child and the neglect of the child’s developmental dependency needs. Such children who are as maybe considered victims of parental contempt and humiliation are set up for sado masochistic sexual behaviour. Children require firm guidelines to master the tasks through each developmental stage of growth. Where such needs are not met the child will find itself in an arrested developmental state. For they may become fixated on oral sex, they may become fascinated with genital parts which is known as "sexual objectification" which is when they reduce others to genital objects and this is when sexual objectification becomes the scourge of true intimacy which requires two whole persons who value one and the other. There are those who are considered co-dependent where one or even both lack any individual identity and their only means of being close is through intensely objectified and addicted sex.
Now where’s that tea?
Posted by: Andrew | Tuesday, 25 November 2008 at 10:27 AM
totally agree with you
Posted by: kate | Tuesday, 25 November 2008 at 10:50 AM
Thanks for the tea, what no sugar!
When normal dependency needs are met people don't grow into adult children.
Posted by: Andrew | Wednesday, 26 November 2008 at 02:54 PM
There are also such things as magical beliefs, for children are magical. Common statements such as step on a crack break your mothers back; if a north wind blows you face will remain the same, and so on. This is where magic is the belief that certain words, gestures and behaviours change reality. Dysfunctional parents reinforce their child’s magical thinking. An example is in telling the child that their behaviour is responsible for someone else’s feelings, this is teaching the child magical thinking. Statements such as “see what you did you’ve upset your mother.” or “are you satisfied you’ve made your father angry.” or “your killing your mother.” another form of magical thinking is “I know what you are thinking.” There are some women who believe that if they get married all their problems will be solved all she has to do is find the right man and when she does everything will be fine. Such beliefs are magical for it implies that some event or person can change her reality with out her having to do anything to change her behaviour. It is perfectly natural for a child to think magically, but if a child is wounded through their unmet dependency needs they do not really grow up. The adult they become remains contaminated by the magical thinking of the child they were. There are many more magical beliefs such as “If my lover leaves me I’ll die or I’ll never make it through life.” “If I have lots of money I’ll be okay.” “If I try hard the world will reward me.” “If I have a piece of paper (A Degree) I will make me smart.” “If I wait wonderful things will come to me.”
Little girls are taught fairy tales and such tales are filled with magic, the tale of Cinderella who is told to wait in the kitchen and a wonderful guy will arrive with a shoe. Snow white, the given message is that if she waits long enough her prince will come. Taking this tale literally the story tells women their destiny depends upon a necrophile who will come through the dark woods at the right time. Little boys are also taught there are magical expectations though fairy tales for many such stories contain the message that there is a right woman, and that he must search her out and find her, he must travel far and wide through dark perilous adventures, conquer beasts fight dragons and in the end he will know with little doubt when he has found the right woman, ever wondered why so many grooms standing at the alter are so anxious? Often the male’s destiny is shaped by arcane things, magic beans, magic swords, or he might have to hang around with a frog and should he kiss that frog it will transform into a princess. There is of course the female version. For women the magic consists of waiting, for the male it consists of searching endlessly for the right woman. Being aware as I am that fairy tales operate on a symbolic and mythical level for they are non logical, like dreams they speak through imagery delivering symbolic statements and are concerned with the individual male and female in finding their identity. However when the developmental process is fulfilled smoothly we outgrow the literal understanding we held as a child of such stories only to grasp their symbolic significance. But where it is found that the inner child is wounded such individuals continue to hold onto such stories literally. As adult children we continue to magically wait or search for the perfect ending so we may live happily ever after.
Do you agree with this Kate.
Posted by: Andrew | Thursday, 27 November 2008 at 06:06 PM
i agree with both of u.
Posted by: acai | Friday, 28 November 2008 at 11:00 PM
Catherine
Facebook
Posted by: Andrew | Monday, 01 December 2008 at 02:53 PM
Hey Catherine,
What has happened to your column on the Independent's website? It seems that since July you have been moved to a blog. Are you still being published in the print edition (I no longer live in the UK)?
Anyway, keep up the good work. I believe I've read every single one of your columns since picking up a copy of the Independent by chance some 4 years ago or so and reading your very first column! Very insightful and at times amusing stuff.
Posted by: B Haley | Tuesday, 16 December 2008 at 03:55 PM
Catherine,
And now the blog entries seem to have become very infrequent. Will you be writing some more soon?
Posted by: Nigel | Thursday, 08 January 2009 at 10:50 PM
Excellent, I will make sure to check back.
Posted by: Into Tech - are you into technology? | Friday, 23 January 2009 at 03:11 AM
Hasn't a Blog about women and sex been done before, a million times before. I read A Girl With a One Track Mind, or was it Woman, come up with something more original and your comments in todays NOTW .... or I can say is HELP!!!.
Posted by: Jon | Sunday, 01 February 2009 at 11:21 AM
catherine you're great!! i love your books. kisses from spain!!!
Posted by: veronica | Monday, 16 November 2009 at 12:13 PM